Published in the Ottawa Citizen (www.ottawacitizen.com), December 24, 2008, p. A15
Christmas Eve of 2051
by
Pierre Lemieux
Once upon a time, Santa Claus saw on his GPS that he was flying over Ottawa. It was a warm Christmas night, on Sunday, Dec. 24, 2051. Five kilometres below the sleigh, a soft wind was playing with the palm trees on Parliament Hill.
After all, the first hunch of the environmental movement had been right, and the ecologists had needlessly hedged their bet by changing "global warming" to "climate change." For it was indeed a warmer cycle that Gaia had in store for beingkind -- as they used to say in '51 to avoid the politically incorrect "mankind" and combat the systemic anti-animal discrimination embodied in "humankind."
In 2051, Gilles Duceppe had been drawing his MP pension for more than four decades. He believed he was thus "defending the interests of Québec." He still thought that the state was the best invention since the wheel, lived in a gated retirement community called "The Village," and was happy.
Santa Claus, who had been nationalized in 2020, was now a green woman employed by Gender Canada. Government spokesbeings now talked about "our sex market" and "what's good for our sex," just as people previously used to talk about "our economy." "Our sex has fared very well compared to the global sex crisis," the Minister of Canadian Sex had recently declared, "thanks to smart regulation."
Santa Claus was obese, as pretty much everybody was by 2051. Obesity remained the only permitted sin. Fortunately for Santa Claus, federal law now prohibited chimneys less than five-feet wide.
She was making her usual run through the chimneys of banks, car manufacturers, forestry companies, cantaloupe producers, and all other wards of the state. The most popular gift among CEOs in this Christmas season was the Regulator Ankle Bracelet (informally, "the RAT"): the gadget continuously monitored the person wearing it and sent small electric shocks whenever he would do or say anything illegal. All Canadians were happy.
Canadians? By 2051, Canada and the U.S. were closely integrated at the political level. After private guns had been banned and national health insurance established in the U.S., there was no reason to maintain two separate countries. Québec had already been absorbed into Vermont.
Santa Claus was driving a 100-per-cent ethanol sleigh. She didn't have reindeer anymore, for the species had all but disappeared after being put on the endangered species list.
The 2051 Holiday Season was marked by a dramatic shortage of Christmas trees. The director of the CTB (Christmas Tree Board), a state distribution monopoly established after a bailout in one of the latest economic crises, had a good explanation: growing a Christmas tree takes eight years, as long as training a physician, and requires a lot of delicate planning by dedicated politicians and bureaucrats. The Homeland Securities Commission (the single securities regulator created by a Conservative government earlier in the century) was investigating rumours of speculation and Christmas tree hoarding. The president of the PCO (the Permanent Crisis Office, previously known as the Privy Council Office) reassured the population that "a fix for a generation" was in the works.
Starting on Jan. 1, 2052, Christmas trees would officially be called "Statemas trees." Some pundits used their free speech privilege to criticize the decision, and the Conservatives promised, if elected, to alleviate the paperwork burden.
The on-going recession was not helping the Statemas tree shortage. All this mess, assured a PCO report, "is due to deregulation and laissez-faire."
Despite the deep cuts in her budget, Santa Claus was dutifully doing her gift run on that Christmas night of '51.
But there was a little boy at whose house Santa Claus was not going to stop, for his parents had not been good citizens. Little Tony's father was caught smuggling cigarettes, which had been prohibited for two decades. Unconfirmed rumours also circulated that guns had been seen at the family farm. To make everything worse, little Tony had asked Santa Claus for a toy gun.
His parents were duly sanctioned. The family regulator revoked their parenting licence. "In the best interest of the child," however, the SS (Social Services) did not cancel the child registration certificate, allowing little Tony's hapless parents to keep their son.
It was a wise and kind decision from our nice social and democratic state. Nobody could have complained anyway since the modernization of the hate literature sections in the Criminal Code. Violence had been abolished by law -- except of course to enforce the law -- and everybody loved everybody. They had no choice.